If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize