i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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