I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
