if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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