forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
