my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
