I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
