Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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