2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
