i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
