mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
