I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
