I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Randomize
