Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
