I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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