i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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