I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
