I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize