I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
