i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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