Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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