OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
