i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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