One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
