be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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