Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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