I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
