She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
