my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
