Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
