My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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