the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
My underwear smells like fireworks.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
