you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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