Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize