My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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