Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
