did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Randomize
