we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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