I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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