This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
