She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
