That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
