Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
