I should be sponsored by Trojan
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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