So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
