i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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