im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
