how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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