he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
