he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize