Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
