[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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