She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize