when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
