When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
