Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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