I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
