Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
