I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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