Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
